Internet Peoples #1 - Hysterial Progressives
June 7th 2008 04:47
The Hysterial Progressive
Basic Description
The insane, up-herself (always a she, I haven't figured out why yet) 'look at me I'm so open minded' type of person. For these people being open minded involves accepting something for what it is rather than understanding it.
How You Can Tell They Are There
These people have a habit of being very much 'open minded' when something new and insane happens which pushes the boundaries of art or humanities though they scoff at anything that has been around for centuries. A nuclear family where the wife stays home and the husband goes out and wins bread? Perish the thought! A family composed of four parents who share sixteen children between them and openly have sex in front of them? 'Yay for progress!' so it goes.
They also have a habit of taking things very literally and are incapable of understanding the merits of sarcasm. Now I understand, the internet, yes, people will be misunderstood but please understand, if I say something like this: 'I like to rip chickens heads off and eat them raw! buahahahahaha!', they will take you literally.
In response to such satire they will probably go and create a blog or website or something and for reasons I have yet to understand, the blog, website, whatever they create has a name which needs to be abbreviated, so she might go and start 'People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals or PETA for short. 'OMG look how clever and sophisticated I am!' they think to themselves as they conjure it all up in their brains.
Their Communication Model
Many types of people cannot be reasoned with, however there is a special kind of inanity the hysterical progressive has. Basically, their paranoia about the world being out to get their progressive ideals mixed with her own insecurity thereof means she would rather attack a person directly rather than try to engage in any level headed discussion.
For them it isn't about being right or wrong, learning something or not (though they will claim otherwise) but it's to argue and above all be correct. Never be wrong, never give in, and never ever argue on the merits of fact because such things are the enemies of progress. If someone questions a core ideal they attack that person, not the question, but the person.
The reason for this is simple, the hysterical progressive in a bid to cover up her shortcomings as a thinking, rational, logical human being has created a cloud of confusion around her mind so dense that they create electrical storms which often times fry her brain. Sometimes it gives off the smell of bacon.
Why They Are The Way They Are
Hysterical Progressives usually grow up in a very closed environment, as a whiplash response they do a complete 180 sometime during puberty. It is supposed to be an attempt to make up for years of suffering which they will exaggerate to justify their own bent views of the world and attack other people for lacking the same kind of perspective they have. For example a hysterical progressive might have once been to a chicken slaughter house as a girl which shocked her. After growing up she will probably exclaim ‘every day I grew up I saw animals being maimed and killed! Enough of this animal abuse I say! *nibbles on carrot*’, ‘what? You disagree? Well you sir did not grow up in the same oppressive environment I was! You lack the insight I have!’
To Conclude
Hysterical Progressives are just desperately trying to have a feeling of worth in this cruel world where blabbering shit is not enough to give you any kind of recognition.
Hysterial Progressive
Basic Description
The insane, up-herself (always a she, I haven't figured out why yet) 'look at me I'm so open minded' type of person. For these people being open minded involves accepting something for what it is rather than understanding it.
How You Can Tell They Are There
These people have a habit of being very much 'open minded' when something new and insane happens which pushes the boundaries of art or humanities though they scoff at anything that has been around for centuries. A nuclear family where the wife stays home and the husband goes out and wins bread? Perish the thought! A family composed of four parents who share sixteen children between them and openly have sex in front of them? 'Yay for progress!' so it goes.
They also have a habit of taking things very literally and are incapable of understanding the merits of sarcasm. Now I understand, the internet, yes, people will be misunderstood but please understand, if I say something like this: 'I like to rip chickens heads off and eat them raw! buahahahahaha!', they will take you literally.
In response to such satire they will probably go and create a blog or website or something and for reasons I have yet to understand, the blog, website, whatever they create has a name which needs to be abbreviated, so she might go and start 'People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals or PETA for short. 'OMG look how clever and sophisticated I am!' they think to themselves as they conjure it all up in their brains.
Their Communication Model
Many types of people cannot be reasoned with, however there is a special kind of inanity the hysterical progressive has. Basically, their paranoia about the world being out to get their progressive ideals mixed with her own insecurity thereof means she would rather attack a person directly rather than try to engage in any level headed discussion.
For them it isn't about being right or wrong, learning something or not (though they will claim otherwise) but it's to argue and above all be correct. Never be wrong, never give in, and never ever argue on the merits of fact because such things are the enemies of progress. If someone questions a core ideal they attack that person, not the question, but the person.
The reason for this is simple, the hysterical progressive in a bid to cover up her shortcomings as a thinking, rational, logical human being has created a cloud of confusion around her mind so dense that they create electrical storms which often times fry her brain. Sometimes it gives off the smell of bacon.
Why They Are The Way They Are
Hysterical Progressives usually grow up in a very closed environment, as a whiplash response they do a complete 180 sometime during puberty. It is supposed to be an attempt to make up for years of suffering which they will exaggerate to justify their own bent views of the world and attack other people for lacking the same kind of perspective they have. For example a hysterical progressive might have once been to a chicken slaughter house as a girl which shocked her. After growing up she will probably exclaim ‘every day I grew up I saw animals being maimed and killed! Enough of this animal abuse I say! *nibbles on carrot*’, ‘what? You disagree? Well you sir did not grow up in the same oppressive environment I was! You lack the insight I have!’
To Conclude
Hysterical Progressives are just desperately trying to have a feeling of worth in this cruel world where blabbering shit is not enough to give you any kind of recognition.
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Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
But say I like the post.
Now watch out.
Comment by Morgan Bell
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oh and a little off topic but why does everyone always depict rosie odonnell as a man????
Comment by Ahmed
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who isn't?
I have no idea but I guess it has something to do with her sexual orientation, looks and umm extremist views.
That and the photoshop I have is an internet meme.
Comment by Ahmed
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who isn't?
I have no idea but I guess it has something to do with her sexual orientation, looks and umm extremist views.
That and the photoshop I have is an internet meme.
Comment by Cheryl J
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Better the old cube.
Comment by Ellis Currer Bell
Australia Day 2008
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i am one of those annoyong progressives but im learning to have a sense of humour. i recommend this to any "open minded" person ....so much better to laugh then bitch~!
Comment by Kleonaptra
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Comment by Anonymous
I made quite a few people at this internet cafe turn their heads to see what I was laughing so uproariously about... thanks, I needed that!
Btw, just so you can no doubt further fine-tune your theory, one particular acronym that recently gained an Orble-sponsored domain was the idea of the administration. Oh sure, it's the one that ended up there, but the creators were somewhat desperate.
Since you allude to more than one of these people in existence, can you actually point me in their direction? Sounds like I have some networking to do!
Comment by Ahmed
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I actually feel embarrased on your behalf.
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Comment by Ahmed
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Comment by postmoderncritic
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But: I was being serious, Ahmed - where are these other 'hysterical progressives' you reference? I want to look them up, dammit!
Comment by Ahmed
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Not everyone is as fucked up as me? Haha, well I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that one. At least I'm not as dumb as to say 'fucked' but censor it out with random characters. Then again, I'm probably more grown pu than you ^_^
But: I was being serious, Ahmed - where are these other 'hysterical progressives' you reference? I want to look them up, dammit!
Oh I know you were serious, if I thought otherwise I would have responded
Comment by postmoderncritic
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So you actually had more than one person in mind when writing this post? Because I have my doubts...
Comment by Ellis Currer Bell
Australia Day 2008
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ahmed you need to step outside the fucking square and chill the fuck out (excuse my language, its disgusting but necessary)
you think that if you are the most rational and proper that you are infallible. your not. life is about being irrational and improper and still being just as intellegent and significant as everyone else.
i laugh in public, very loudly. im not ashamed and i dont care if people aplaud me or think im nuts.
try it, you may start to unravel that tight, constricting jacket you seem to wear every day.
Comment by Ahmed
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You have your doubts? Are you honestly saying that as if I care you have your doubts? Like I'm going to sit here and try to show how I really mean what I'm saying and that you should believe me because I'm not lying? Talk about overestimating your sense of selfworth, haha
It would only be disgusting if you used !@##$ to hide the word 'fuck' but I suppose going off and saying 'gee sorry what I said is so disgusting but necessary'. It' slike saying 'pun unintended', you only say it to make yourself feel better.
Umm, yes, that is quite right, I think I am infallible as I always say 'hey everyone, look at me, I am infallible!' Seriously, you have to try a little harder if you want to insult me, you are so far off the mark with that statement it's not even funny.
I don't currently wear a jacket, but if I start going around laughing in public and behaving like the people I speak of in this blog post I fear they will put me in a very tight and constricting jacket if you know what I mean
I'm not a woman, I'll look insane if I act like that.
Comment by postmoderncritic
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And no, Ahmed, I don't particularly care either way - my comment was for the benefit of your respondents.
And by the way, if you went around acting like a woman, you wouldn't look insane... you'd look like a cross-dresser, actually. You don't have to do anything anything other than what you're already doing to appear insane!
Comment by Ahmed
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...
You were saying something about not bothering?
I'm just saying, when people say 'don't bother' they usually follow through with it, it's just that the hypocrisy you're displaying is so damn... well hypocritical, I thought I might point it out for you. I'd go further in depth but I'm tired and not in the mood to write paragraphs detailing just how self contradicting what you are saying is but I understand for you, your existence is about feeling good about yourself and your world views, as such it will go to waste.
Comment by postmoderncritic
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The only thing I am demonstrating is that I am capable of making other people think about a point (i.e. the veracity of your examples) even when I have long lost interest.
like total strangers care about what I'm doing
Of course total strangers may care about what I'm doing. A crowd can be composed of any number of characters, some of which will be naturally sympathetic to you. Every friend of mine has been a stranger at some point. It's building on that initial impulse to care about someone that leads to friendship.
you should also 'ask yourself' why you assume women have to dress like women
I already do, in fact I'm planning a post on why men can't wear skirts (the traditional Scottish kilt excluded) even though women can wear pants. Perhaps you should ask yourself what is a 'woman' anyway, and why we divide people into 'men' and 'women' in the first place. I eat up binaries for breakfast, while you still revel in them, my dear.
Add to that, why are you calling me insane then replying to me?
You're doing exactly the same thing... for me, it's that I'm eliciting the kind of response that will make people realise exactly how deranged you are.
Comment by Ahmed
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I've already faltered and resorted to the same kind of attacks you have levelled against me. I don't like it that I call you out on personal attacks but then make personal attacks myself, I do feel that what I say should carry integrity, afterall I don't like to feed my ego but rather build character through discussion.
I'll end it here, you won this shouting match, I cannot defeat someone like you in such a contest.
You may, as always, end it with the last word