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The Fuckwad Theory

December 8th 2006 12:23
Category: How it Goes
I hate swearing or using vulgar words but sometimes I have no choice but to do so.

The fuckwad theory was developed by the folks at Penny-Arcade and is generally more or less true. The cause is the internet and the anonymity that comes with it. People become fuckwads over a period of time for some people, for some people it happens instantly.

The cause is quite obvious, when they find anonymity in its ultimate form on the internet or when they realise they can be harsh and not suffer any repercussions (both consciously and physically).

Fuckwad Theory
Diagram of the Fuckwad Theory

Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t happen to everyone, but it invariably does happen to people who are jerks at heart.

So just what is the fuckwad theory? Well it’s everything and nothing simultaneously, it is a yes and a no. It defines the online social network that is the internet by categorizing them into two broad yet specific groups of people. It probably is the only two people that populate the internet.

It is of course a proven theory, so just know that I am not shoving random crap down your throat. The theory has as such has pretty much shown that the internet is a very defined ying yang.

Looking at it like that we can of course see that if this is the case then the internet is a two way absolute, we have the yes and the no, the ping and the pong, the fuckwad and the non-fuckwad.

How do you know you’re a fuckwad or not, or how do you know someone else is or isn’t? Well in general fuckwads are a combination of several character traits that are... lets say less than respectable.

Please note they don’t need to have all these traits to be fuckwads, fuckwads speaking in the loosest of terms are those who are generally jerks. I’m sure you know what a jerk is, here I am going to specific traits of fuckwads.

They are, or even not, high achievers but either way they like to think of themselves as such, either way they lack the confidence of being high achievers and as such go extremely defensive when any one of their ‘achievements’ are brought into question, or in general even mildly looked down upon. Sometimes to such a degree that even commenting on something that isn’t even related to their achievements can in fact put them on a defensive edge.

Also due to the aforementioned ‘trait’ you’ll find they have a habit of putting people down, whoever they are, whatever they do, they’ll put people down, tell them they suck, or cut communications with them just because they think of them as so great. They do this for a number of reasons, but usually only because they get a feeling of accomplishment from putting people down, makes them think they are better at whatever it is they do.

Often looking at themselves highly they’ll have an over stylised display picture on online networks, such as forums or blogospheres. Now here it gets interesting, if their little display picture is not a picture of them you can safely assume they are low level to midlevel fuckwads.

However if the picture contains their face and is over stylised such as if it were black and white, or with dabs of colour that makes the image look ‘slick’ you’ll know for sure one thing, while they can still be low level to midlevel fuckwads, there's a great chance that they are high-level fuckwads, a level other fuckwads have wet dreams and/or masturbate over.

Please note this is highly dependant on the nature of the display picture and on the level of other fuckwad-like traits the person may have. Also note that sometimes it doesn’t even mean they are fuckwads at all, however more often than not it does.

Well perhaps I am being shallow judging if someone is a fuckwad or not based on something like a display picture, but I urge the reader to understand, fuckwads are always very shallow characters, so screw being nice to them, they are shallow dickheads and should be treated as such.

Another more common trait, is that fuckwads are cowards. If things turn against them they’ll either pretend the situation isn’t as bad as it might seem or they’ll do whatever is in their power to remove the offending material. Ok, how would this work?

Lets say they start a post showing off their uptight fuckwadyness (something they are especially good at), and they garner some support for it with comments such ‘yo that's true’ and ‘great post’ another will say. Along comes those who have been offended by said fuckwad, they’ll attack this fuckwad and expose his true self, then along comes support for these people, and more, and more, eventually the fuckwad is cornered, he/she knows it’s over, so what does the fuckwad do? The fuckwad deletes the post, so all the comments are lost, the fuckwad can finally emerge and finally sit in his/her little chair of illusionary self satisfaction without anyone jeopardizing it with facts and realities.

I have not fully delved into the psyche of a fuckwad yet, so there are missing elements for sure, and perhaps something’s don’t make sense, or even may be plainly incorrect. Consider this the disclaimer of this article.

And btw, yes I am a fuckwad, so sue me asshole, if you were offended by this you clearly are a fuckwad, your opinion means shit all to me, I’d keep insulting you save for the fact I know that no amount of vulgar words can truly describe someone whose existence is as low as yours.

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13 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by David my David

December 8th 2006 13:27
'I hate swearing so much that I would never use the word fuck, let alone fuckwad.' ???

I want you all to consider my sincerity. ???

Just think about it, and you will comprehend how sincere I am, unless you are a complete fuckwad! ???

I have no choice in this matter. I have no control over myself when I get angry. Someone else is to blame. I’ll get that fuckwad by posting this post, and I want fellow fuckwads to support me. ???

Vulgar swearing. Only fuckwads swear in a vulgar fashion.

I hate swearing or using vulgar words, even to fuckwads. ???

For fuck’s sake man… whoever you are. Grow a brain and wake up to yourself …

And please tell us all what a fuckwad really is. You seem to know all about it ... ???

Please enlighten us on your fuckwad theory ...

Comment by Ahmed

December 8th 2006 13:31
Just a note, I'm not targetting anyone here at all, I jsut felt the need to write it for the heck of it, had to post something intersting that didn't involve small hard disk drives

I just did state what a fuckwad is, that comic strip alone should have done the job but I went on with from paragraph 10 (I think 10) onwards quite a bit explaining character traits of a fuckwad.

It isn't MY theory, "The fuckwad theory was developed by the folks at Penny-Arcade"

Oh and read the first line btw: "I hate swearing or using vulgar words but sometimes I have no choice but to do so."

Comment by Ahmed

December 8th 2006 13:33
yeah, from paragraph 10 onwards.

Comment by Miss Faith

December 8th 2006 18:01
I thought this post was very funny...especially since you described my first husband to a T. Yep,
you confirmed it for me...he was and is definitely a fuckwad.

Comment by Ahmed

December 8th 2006 18:55
Hi Miss Faith, glad you liked it

Comment by K.L. Almeroth

December 10th 2006 11:25

To Ahmed,

I'm loving this post, for all the obvious reasons.


Comment by Nina

December 11th 2006 22:48
Ahmed, I really love this post as it describes so much behaviour that I've seen online perfectly. However, now I'm concerned, judging by the part on display images, that I'm one of them...

Comment by Ahmed

December 11th 2006 23:41
I'm sure you read the text after that

"Please note this is highly dependant on the nature of the display picture and on the level of other fuckwad-like traits the person may have. Also note that sometimes it doesn’t even mean they are fuckwads at all, however more often than not it does."

So you're a rare breed. Actually I think I need to rephrase that, more often they aren't at all.

Comment by Nina

December 11th 2006 23:47
Lol, that's good to know, Ahmed.

Comment by KylieW

December 11th 2006 23:56
I love that someone took the time to come up with a fuckwad theory!

Comment by Ahmed

December 12th 2006 10:32
gotaa love the folks at

Comment by Anonymous

September 17th 2007 16:56
Stupid gay fuckwad.

Comment by TM119

March 5th 2011 03:21
There is a massive difference between a troll and a fuckwad. A troll is a catalyst for chaos. They are often calculating and deliberate in their methods to undo a perfectly legitimate conversation. It isn't' self glorifying. The satisfaction comes from the disintegration, not the actual trolling.

Fuckwads are wannabe trolls that are less concerned with what happens and more concerned with social facial moneyshots that they can immediately produce. A single episode of Jersey Shore incites about as much wadism that one can get in an hour of cable TV.

A good troll has some wisdom, honor and considerable intelligence. Fuckwads don't. If the Jersy shore comment doesn't identify exactly how low on the scale a fuckwad ranks, then the fuckwad stands alone.

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